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Say what you want about the other sports, none of them hold a candle to golf when it comes to inspirational and downright funny quotes. From the best players to ever pick up a club to past presidents of the United States, the game of golf is the great equalizer. We’ve all been humbled by this game and have learned that a sense of humor can be the most important club in the bag. But don’t take it from us, check out the funny golf quotes below and enjoy a laugh or two. Lighten up, golf is just a game after all. Like a PGA Tour pro once said to his pro-am partners, “you’re not good enough to get angry.” So don’t even try it.

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18 Funny Golf Quotes — One Laugh for Every Hole!

  1. “I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: it’s called an eraser.” — Arnold Palmer, the King of golf and comedy apparently.
  2. “It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” — Hank Aaron, owner of 755 home runs and one amazing golf quote.
  3. “They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.” — Raymond Floyd
  4. “I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” — Gerald R. Ford, the 38th President of the United States and the first to admit a lack of talent on the links.
  5. “Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.” — Roy ‘Tin Cup’ McAvoy, the greatest that never was.
  6. “If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” — Dean Martin, need we say more?
  7. “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie.” — Mickey Mantle, owner of one of the sweetest swings in baseball, not so much in golf.
  8. “Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five.” — Paul Harvey calling every golfer out.
  9. “It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” — Mark Twain, the famous wordsmith who also said golf is a good walk spoiled.
  10. “Golf?! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.” — Not sure who said it, but whoever did understands the game, at times, doesn’t make much sense.
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  12. “If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” — Jack Lemmon, a true comedian on and off the course.
  13. “The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.” — George Deukmejian waxing prophetic.
  14. “I’m the best. I just haven’t played yet.” — Muhammed Ali, I mean, who else could say something like this?
  15. “Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.” — Bruce Crampton making us think more than we’d like to.
  16. “A hole in one is amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole.” — We’ll have whatever Mac O’Grady is smoking.
  17. “You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.” — Lee Trevino at his best.
  18. “If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron, not even God can hit a 1-iron.” — again, Lee Trevino, who would know a thing or two about lightning strikes considering he was stuck by it on the course.
  19. “The most important shot in golf is the next one.” — Ben Hogan making a joke, we think, it was hard to tell with him.

19th Hole Bonus Quote: “While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.” — Henny Youngman in a high-pitched voice.

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